Darkness is Your Candle

But what shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
- Rumi from Enough Words

A couple of weeks ago, I learned an extremely powerful technique that has helped me deal with one of my most debilitating fears. It's applicable to any situation, but for the sake of an example, I'll use it with my fear of Open Mic Nights. (Lately, I've been writing music for grownups, so I've been showcasing these new songs at bars and other places that host these "cattle calls".) The technique can be applied to any situation, however, that you may find full of terror.

It's really quite simple:

STEP ONE (Creating Darkness) I imagine that I'm walking into the venue where the Open Mic is taking place. Next, I try to fully feel all of the fear. In my case, I name things like "I feel out of place and uncomfortable". Then I picture myself waiting to go onstage and becoming progressively more anxious about what I'm going to play, how I'll be received and what I'll sound like. Lastly, I'll see myself onstage and try to create in my heart and in my mind all of the worst feelings that I can muster up.

STEP TWO (Creating Light) I imagine the same scenario with a contrary set of emotions. In my case, I use the word "comfort". I imagine that I'm walking into the venue and it looks and feels like a place where I want to be. I feel very at home and say things to myself like, "It's great to be here!" Then, I imagine the anticipation of going onstage with a feeling of inner joy and harmony with my surroundings. As I step onstage and look at the audience, I drink in the moment and smile because I am where I want to be - singing my wonderful songs as best as I can to an audience who wants to feel passionately connected to great music, too.

STEP THREE (Alternating Darkness and Light). Immediately after step two, I return to step one by creating the fear in my belly, again. Once I'm fully feeling the fear, I return to the same scenario with the comfort. Back and forth I go, shortening the time between fear and comfort but always fully feeling it before moving on.

STEP FOUR (Simultaneous Darkness and Light). The final part is to feel both emotions at the same time. Absolute terror and joyful comfort coexisting in the same moment in time.

The important thing here is to FEEL as if the situation were occurring during this exercise. If you usually get moist palms, then try to create that feeling. The way it was explained to me is this: if we really want to explore, understand and deal with our fear, then we first learn to deal with them in a comfortable place like our own living room. Oftentimes, it does no good to repeatedly put oneself into the real situation because we haven't learned the way to control our emotions, yet.

Over time, I hope to apply this technique out in the "real world" and find that the fear I imagined and felt is no longer perceived as strange and unwelcome. Instead, it will become a known entity, an emotion I understand. I haven't tried it, yet, but I hope that I will be able to move as seamlessly between emotions at my next Open Mic Night as I would in the quiet of my own home.

I hope this technique brings you the courage to walk towards what you are afraid of - not with an absence of fear but a fuller acceptance of that emotion AND the belief that you can feel cleansed by it, too.

Doing the Right Thing

I haven't written in this space in almost two years. During that time, my wife and I have staged two new children's shows: Do the Right Thing (a character education piece for upper elementary) and Beth & Scott's Nutrition Mission. I'm very proud of these two pieces. They are examples of us taking what's often referred to as "The Teacher's Seat"and being very honest with children and teachers. Our values and our vulnerabilities are both on display and I feel very good about that.

Most of my writing energy, however, has been spent composing new songs for grownups. Truth is, I never dreamed about being a children's artist when I was a kid. I wanted to be a singer-songwriter or a rock star. So, now I've now got to the point where I have close to 20 tunes and I'm beginning a new career while maintaining my job as a children's artist. I play one night per week at a local restaurant where I combine my originals with cover tunes from 6-9pm. For the most part, I'm enjoying the experience, though I've recently begun to feel ill at ease when I perform too many cover tunes.

That's not entirely accurate. When I perform for kids my goal is to reach them and teach them. I am expert at controlling the 45-minute experience so that they take a "ride" with me. With grown-ups, however, I feel like I don't want to spend my energy trying to get them to go somewhere. A cover tune is like saying, "Hey, notice me noticing you! I know you love "Brown Eyed Girl" and I'll play it so that you can tap your feet and remember where you were in 1975." I guess I'm saying that I don't want to lead people on a Magical "History" Tour of the 60's and the 70's. Been there and done that, friends.

This is not a finished thought, today. I'm struggling with the needs and wants of the audience and the bar owner versus my desire to connect and play my new tunes. I'm not so sure I want to settle for a balance between the two. I'm not doing this to earn money, so I don't have to be beholden to the almighty dollar. But do I have an obligation to the audience? And what is it exactly? Am I an artist or an entertainer? Don't rush to answer that question with "both" because that's too easy. Think about your favorite musician and wonder, does he or she play cover tunes? Yes, they play their famous songs over and over and that's a drag sometimes. But I know from playing my children's tunes that playing what the audience wants if it's my tune is a lot better than when they ask for something that I haven't written.

I think that this is about the guts to stand up for what I know is right for me. All too often (in the grownup music world), I have bent to the needs of the many and forgotten my own needs as as an artist. I have to stop doing that. As one of my friends said, "You try things out and then see if you can sleep at night." Well, now I know. I realize that I'm on a track where I'll be playing my songs more and cover songs less.

As I said earlier, one of my new kids' shows is called, "Do the Right Thing". That lesson applies to me, too!

Daring to Share: the Lifelong Journey to Soulfulness

Giving of oneself fully and unashamedly to this world, that is to say, the sharing of one's talents without reservation or fear of rejection, is perhaps the greatest gift we can offer to the world. To my mind, there are at least two reasons why everyone can and should do this:

First, it is the guaranteed path to achieving one's smallest wishes and biggest dreams. When one shares their own unique vision, ability or creativity they will most assuredly distinguish themselves from those who would only mimic another's success. Keep in mind, though: small wishes can only ever lead to small achievements! If you dream big (and plan accordingly) you will achieve your greatest desires. I am finding this to be true on a daily basis in my own personal and professional life.

Second, giving of oneself fully and unashamedly to the world is the noblest thing one may do on behalf of not only oneself, but on behalf of the planet. This may sound astounding to you, but I fully believe it. Think about the best people in any field and you will see a list of people who became successful because they dared to be different and dared to share their uniqueness with all of us. Are we not more enriched by their decision? If not for these inventors, scientists, artists and philosophers we would not have the computer I am typing on, the guitar I compose with or the roof that keeps me dry when it rains. We are all grateful and enriched by those who have came before us and left their mark for all time. (By the way, if you are ever feeling blue, I suggest that you make a list of things or people you are grateful for - it's a sure way to get past past one's own "poor pitiful me" moment.)

But, you may be wondering, how can I offer something unique to this world? What contribution is mine to offer? And there are so many obstacles to my success: money, time, energy, family responsibilities, insecurity, lack of contacts or support to name just a few. The list goes on and on when we choose to list our challenges, right? Let's take the "what do I have to offer" part of the problem, first.

You were born with a talent, perhaps more than one, that you have always known is your greatest gift. It may be years since you named it out loud, but I can assure you that it is inside of you today just as it was the day you were born. Let's call it your "soulfulness". More than likely, it is manifesting itself somehow in your life. Perhaps you are a nurturing, gentle mother. Since you were a child, you loved and sincerely cared for others and you are still doing so with your family. This is an amazing gift! There is no doubt that mothers have an important role in our society that extends for generations. But you may want more and I want you to know that this desire to expand is a good one that should be nurtured. Like you love others, you must learn to love yourself so that you can create time in your busy life to expand and share more of your gifts.

This gets to the second part of the question: how do I overcome all the obstacles preventing me from expanding and growing? It may be that you have to ask your spouse, your neighbors, your parents or your children to help you carve out some time each day to start fulfilling your dreams. Ask them and they will surely help you! You have only to start and the answers will become clear - perhaps in a matter of hours. Everyone I have ever met claims to be "too busy" to try new things, but this is your life. Do not take the easy route of claiming to be overwhelmed. Perhaps, if you are truly without time, you need to do some spring cleaning in your life. Start by saying "no" to those offers to be on a committee or to volunteer at the local library. In doing so, you will be saying "yes" to your own dreams. When we spring clean our lives, we get rid of the items that are preventing us from having the room to expand.

In closing, I would like to offer the following advice: do not give up looking for or creating your dreams even when circumstances or other people try and dissuade you from your purpose. As a model, one has only to look at Al Gore's recent success in helping all of us to understand the stakes involved in helping our planet survive. Couldn't Al Gore have thrown in the towel after losing the presidency? Of course, and no one would have expected him to be anything but angry and very bitter. Except, of course, Al himself! He knew he had something to share, a belief that he felt very strongly that he had to offer. For years, he traipsed across the country and it is only in the last few years that people are not only listening, they are acting!

If it makes you feel better, please know that many are with you on this journey. I also have dreams that I am working on and obstacles to deal with, too. But each one of us that chooses to follow their inner path unquestionably influences and encourages many others to do the same. It is my hope that you will find that part of yourself and dare to share it with the world. We need people like you!

"It's okay to want to be an American Idol.
However, it's not okay to be an Idle American."
Scott Bierko 3/1/07

Tuning In

When I first started trying to write songs, nothing happened. I remember being twenty one years old, fresh from college, sitting at a desk in my parent's basement with my head in my hands, looking at a yellow legal pad - for hours. Unfortunately, songs didn't come and I crossed out much more than I ever wrote. Maybe I wrote one song in a year? The songs just didn't come.

Having such an overwhelming desire to express myself musically, this lack of progress was certainly the worst period of my development as a song writer. I considered myself a failure. Even though I was working as a musician, playing gigs in clubs as a solo guitarist covering other people's material, I was very unhappy as a musician. If you can't create, you stop growing. At least I did. And so I quit.

For the next seven years, I worked in the business world. I became a commercial carpet salesman and estimator. I learned a lot about business, lessons I use to this day, but happiness did not come with the financial rewards of working as a salesman. And then, when i was at my lowest moment, I met Beth. And I became inspired.

When Beth and I started writing, creating songs was a crafting process. We thought of an idea or found a book that we wanted to turn into a song. We labored over lyrics, added music that framed it and built performances around themes. For years, this worked well. And I felt that I had reached a point where as a writer, I could say that I was successful. But I wanted more. I knew that crafting songs, while a wonderful skill, was not the same as tapping into the internal and, I believe, spiritual muse. I knew enough about the writing process from interviews with fellow writers to know that journeying includes not only the craft but the channel in which the craft flows. Something inside of me said, "If this is so, then I must find it."

It took more than twelve years to find it. One day, I started writing a song called "Create Without Caution", a song that had as its subject matter my battle to create without concern about craft or what the song sounded like in the end. I was actively learning how to remove the filter that prevented me from truly expressing myself. The chords and the melody came and the lyrics flowed like wine from a jug. There was no anxiety, just a flow - a tapping in to that channel. I had finally found it.

Almost one year later, I can sit down anywhere and at anytime and find that channel. I know where it is and what it feels like in my body. I cannot describe how to get there for anyone else, except to say that one has to keep searching for what one wants. It's in us all. I believe it. One just has to find the frequency.

Entertaining Thoughts

I have two children, both of whom are great kids and great readers. Books have always played a big role in our family because not only do we believe in the importance and enjoyment of reading - we didn't have a television for ten years in our home! Yeah, we're one of those families. Or we used to be.

Last year, we did the unthinkable for Beth and I: we signed up for television to the great delight of our children. We did so, not because we realized that we Bierkoswere missing something special on television, but because Beth and I have expanded to writing music for children's television and we need to know what's in vogue these days. Our children, those lucky munchkins, didn't care WHY we were getting television, they were just tickled to know that they were getting it at all. They literally jumped up and down in a circle when they heard the cable guy was coming to our home.
Now, watching our kids and their relationship to television this past year has been really fascinating and different for each of our children:

Stephanie, our seven-year old, will watch TV for about an hour, maybe two at the most. Then she stands up, looks for us and declares, "Enough! I have to get away from this TV!" There's even been a couple of times when Stephanie has berated Beth and I for bringing TV into her life. (Now, that's not something anyone would have predicted.) So, when Stephanie is tired of the tube, she gets up and looks for a game, a friend to play with or a book. I still find this amazing and, unfortunately, uncommon. Most kids cannot balance their television-watching like Stephanie. Heck, most adults still struggle with this.

In fact, most American children are like my oldest, Helen, who is twelve and in the seventh grade. Helen can watch TV for six hours and only occasionally get up for a bit of food or to go to the bathroom. And, like other parents, we sometimes have to literally stand in front of the television in order to get her attention. My mother used to do that to me, too. She called it being "glued to the set".

Helen, even though she loves reading and is a straight-A student, is vulnerable to the passive, calming enjoyment of watching television. As we all know, this is extremely common in our society. My darling Helen is not strange or different from other kids. Uh, uh. In truth, it is Stephanie who is the "strange" child in our home with regard to TV.

As such, I believe that parents everywhere must be struggling with this question: "What do I do about it? How can I get my child away from the TV, the computer, the video games and back into the world of creative play or using their imaginations?" They want to know, "What's the answer and where can we find it?"

The answer, or one of them, is not to be found in a store. It doesn't even cost money! The answer to the question "How can I get my child away from the TV?" is that PARENTS need to provide children with something else that will interest them equally. And for that they have to take a step, a big step... backwards.

Backwards, you say? Yes. Some of the answers to today's vexing parenting problems are not to be found in the newest technological gadgets: the computer, the video game box, the mp3 player or, yes, the 42" HDTV parked where the piano used to be in every home. The answer is in yesterday - backwards - because it's something that's been around for kids and for families for as long as anyone can remember. It's stories, it's music, and
it's games.

The old-fashioned practice of getting together in a room, playing some fun games, singing some songs and reading or telling stories is as effective today as it has always has been. And, interestingly, we can see that stories, songs and games are exactly what TV, I-Pods and Video Games are all about, too. Think about the hit-show, American Idol: it's really just a singing game with a back-story! And Video Games, especially the warring kind or the sports ones, they're just replacements for the old-fashioned games like "war" that we used to play in my neighborhood.

Speaking of sports, what ever happened to throwing a football or skateboarding in the driveway? Well, now it's John Madden's Football or Tony Hawk's Skateboarding video games. That's a bit of a problem, not because these games are inherently bad - they're actually quite awesome! (I know one adult who has a job that keeps him idle at home for days at a time and he is toally hooked on these games.)

Therefore, to "un-glue" our kids - at least temporarily - we need to actively disengage them. We need to take the controllers out of their hands and lead them to a place where they can go do these activites themselves. Let me repeat that once more: our kids need us to help pull them in another direction.

Our role, as singers and writers, has always been to create live programs and products that are fun and educational alternatives for kids and families. But now, we do so with an increased knowledge (as parents ourselves) of the value that music and community has for our audiences. We see our role as more of an imperative, not just a diversion for children. And that's one of the main reasons Beth & Scott are starting to think about working in TV.

Beginning in March, 2007 we will begin creating television shows that will be available for viewing on the web. Our first show will be shot in Tennessee with the help of our longtime producer and friend, Jeff Coplan. Our goal is to create short-form videos that children, parents and educators can enjoy - videos that will entertain, educate and inspire. Watch this space and our web site for more information as it becomes available.

Oh, by the way - remember Helen, our dedicated TV watcher? Well, shortly after I wrote the first part of this entry, she lost her TV privileges for a couple of nights and here's what happened: Helen picked up a book and finished it. She also invented a new recipe for cookies with her sister that we're all enjoying today (me love cookies).

And me? Well, I've been writing a lot more songs since I've taken a breather from writing emails. Admittedly, we're not getting away from the TV or the computer anytime soon, but we're all of us a little happier when we unplug long enough to access the creative part inside of us all. That's what we hope to achieve with our new material, including our WEB-TV project. We hope to see you there!

Grandpa Scott

While filming our video, now dubbed, "Beth & Scott: Live in Concert", I had a really interesting moment. About half way through, I thought, "I'm doing this for my grandchildren." For those of you who don't know me, I'm 44 and a long way from becomming a grandparent, but that thought did happen and it was a beautiful, pure moment for me. Why? Well, there's lots of reasons to do a video, most of which are related to fame and fortune. but it never had crossed my mind to make a video of us for the next generation. It just never occurred to me. So, the thought of "I'm making this for my grandchildren" was by itself unattached to any motivation that I was aware of. It just bubbled up to the surface and surprised the heck out of me while I was busy giving the performance of my life. Weird, huh?

As I think about it, I have to offer up a truth that many of you might find astonishing: our children, Helen (12) and Stephanie (7) would rather do just about anything than hear us sing and play for children. On the surface, at least, they are openly embarrassed by our job - even though they both have clearly benefited from it as budding artists, themselves. I clearly remember them literally crawling under a table to avoid the audience's gaze during our shows. Helen, in particular, has forbid us to mention her name during a performance and Stephanie, a much lighter soul, has recently made it clear that she'd rather stay home than attend a show. It truly perplexes Helen to hear other kids, even some her own age, praisie her parents. Yeah, I'm aware that this is very normal for a 12 year old growing up in the shadow of parents who get a lot of attention. And it may change. I know.

When I was a kid, my parents acted in community theater. Granted, they did so infrequently, but I was thrilled to see them on stage. I rushed to join them when I could. My brother and I were newsboys in a production fo "Gypsy" and we've been acting ever since. My parents loved music. The stereo was always on in our home. My dad was a very funny man and he passed a lot of his humor onto Craig, my brother, and me. I think it's fair to say that I idolized my father as a young boy.I guess that's why it's hard to hear my child say, "I don't want to see you sing." It's painful, even if I understand some of the reasons she feels the way she does.

So, I'm waiting for the next generation in my family to enjoy what Beth and I have accomplished! My grandchildren, I hope, will have an entirely different perspective of us than our kids. I suppose that's the reason why the the thought, "I'm doing this for my grandchildren" came up during filming. It was a moment when I hoped that I'd have a less complicated relationship with my grandchildren about our career than I do with my own kids. Then again, I can picture Helen saying to her kids, "Yeah, it looks like they're having fun up there - but it was horrible for me and Stephanie."

The Big Picture

September 16th, 2006 marked the date when Beth & Scott and Friends took the plunge into the world of video. "Hooray" you say? And I sincerely hope you are right. Because on September 23rd, one week after the taping, I have some very mixed feelings about the experience and the results.

The experience was wonderful. Not to say there weren't some days when I was nervous, but most of the time I enjoyed the process. I enjoyed having something like the video to focus on. For months, my life was pointed towards one date, one big thing and all of our efforts on any given day could go towards the goal of making it better. Over the summer we had many interesting and spirited conversations with the director about the premise. In July, we filmed ourselves so we could analyze the nuances of our performances. And in August we worked on costumes with our designer or discussed marketing with the theater producer and a local friend who pitched in bringing our message to local preschools. And there was so much more I did in the background, including a lot of emotional work preparing myself to be filmed. It was, after all, an awesome thing to agree to having one's life work "preserved for posterity". Hey, you try it some day!

When it was all done, I called one of my friends and said, "We hit it out of the park". I was elated, drained and satisfied. Months of planning by Beth and I and lots of our friends, family and hired hands had led me to a point where I could definitely say, "I've done the best that I can do." It was a great feeling. It reminded me of how I felt when we finished the initial taping of our first CD, "Learn & Play". On that evening, we had all of our musicians stay over for a meal of Paella and red wine. We toasted our success, we reveled in the joy of being artists and the walls rang with our good cheer for days afterward.

When the video shoot was done, Beth and I couldn't rest right away. In fact, we were so wired that we had trouble sleeping the first two nights. Our brains were still on overload even though our bodies were screaming, "Please let me rest!" We were fielding lots of congratulatory phone calls, checking out converage in the local newspaper and smiling a lot as we went over the details of the experience. It was like we were still in a bubble of euphoria.

The bubble burst a few days ago. My friend compares this part of the experience to "the day after Christmas". I remember it most clearly when I was about ten years old. It was a day when all of the presents are opened and the emotional high deflates faster than a birthday balloon. You go back to your bedroom and think, "That's it? Christmas is over and I have to go back to my life, now?" Beth remembers this same kind of emotional despair when a play ended, when everyone who had grown so close during rehearsals and the run simply walked away from you. It's like there's a big hole in your heart where all the hope and joy existed.

There was something else about the video experience, though. I began to worry about the results of our work. My head started spinning with all the different things that could be wrong, unfixable and not worthy of preserving for posterity. On the contrary, I began to wonder if this whole video experience might not be a complete waste of time and money. What if I don't sound good, what if my hair's a mess or I'm too sweaty? My mind, usually so creative and helpful in making dreams come true, had turned itself on me. My mind was creating nightmare scenarios. Oh, no!

Luckily, I have good friends and a loving, supportive wife all of whom understand me and the pickle I was in. Over the course of the next few days I came to realize (with their help) that it was perfectly natural to have these feelings. Almost every artist, no matter his place in the heirarchy of talent, experiences grave doubts about his performance. The goal, however, is to develop oneself into a being who can do his best work and then let go of the results. That's easy to say but extremely hard to do, especially in a consumer-driven culture where we want our work not just to be good, but to sell. And so, we must sit with our uncomfortable feelings. We must worry, for awhile at least, and create our doomsday scenarios just as we created our projects. For some reason, we repeat the experience of December 26th ad infinitum. As someone said, "If it's hysterical, it's historical." How true.

And so, I wait. And relax. After an initial attempt to revert to my workaholic past, I've come to a place where I'm more or less comfortable doing a bit of work here and there, cleaning up loose ends, watching some old episodes of "The West Wing" and, yes, waiting. Waiting for the video, but also waiting for the next big project to come into focus so that I can start working, again. It's what I do. It's who I am.

An Apple a Day

I love Apple computers. For the life of me, I cannot fathom being a PC user. I bought my first Apple Macintosh when I was fresh out of college in the mid-80's. Amazingly, it cost me nearly the same as a brand new G5 Power Mac does today.

I'm sure there are a lot of great things about being a PC user, but there's just so many cool things that a Mac does better. Most recently, the geniuses at Apple have created a suite of programs called I-Life 2006. These are applications that integrate working with photos, movies, music and webcasting. It's intutive, easy to learn and the results are stunning. As a creative dude, I must tell you that I have to drag myself away from the computer to eat. Yeah, these programs are that cool!

For anyone who is afraid of taking the plunge into the Apple world, know that the latest Macs are being manufactured to run Windows, too. That's right, you can now get all the stunning, unbelievable things that are native to the Apple environment and still have access to all of your favorite app's in Windows.

One concern...I hope this doesn't mean that we'll be visited by all of the viruses that plague the PC world! If you didn't know it, we Mac folks have been virtually untouched by the viruses that infect PCs. I imagine that this is a horrible thing to have to deal with and I hope we remain "disease-free". Are vitamin C tablets available for computers?

The River that Flows

Since my last post, I've taken a number of steps towards expanding, growing and diversifying my business. And it feels great! I've reached a place where I'm willing to go beyond just TALKING about my ideas (my friend, Jeff, calls this state "Professional Planning"). But now I'm actually DOING something concrete to reach those dreams.

As a result, my head feels like a perky popcorn maker. The ideas are coming so fast and, to my pleasant surprise, without the usual accompaniment of fear and loathing. In my past, when I would think about creating a tv show or DVDs or whatever, I would typically find reasons why it was beyond me - whether it was too much of a risk, too expensive or time consuming - I could always come up with enough good reasons to NOT do something. I was a Professional Obstacle Creator. But now the ideas are opportunities that I can apply to my growth. And they just keep coming as if I've been holding them back for years...which I have!

Interestingly, I find myself in a place where the possibility of falling down or embarrassing myself in front of others is insufficient to stop me from taking these steps. I'm not concentrating on falling down, though. I'm concentrated on activating my potential to move forward. And y'know what? Everyone I meet becomes a potential teacher or partner. It's as if I've been reborn into a new way of perceiving myself and the world around me.

It reminds me of that feeling you get when you're in love: the world looks and smells better, colors become more vibrant, one notices as if for the first time how very blue and beautiful the sky is. To some people, this might be the spark of the divine coming alive in oneself. To me, it's being in touch with the river that is at my center that has been there since I was a child. It's a very spiritual and comforting feeling.

Looking at it another way, I believe that I am as a stick in a great river traveling through its fast currents, getting caught temporarily in obstacles and either allowing or fighting against the difficulties that I encounter. As I allow myself to flow with the current, I can choose to enjoy the ride - even during those times when I know that I am caught - for I know that in time a way will open up for me to continue on my journey.

Right now, though, it feels like I'm floating down a wide open part of the river looking up at a cloudless sky and the branches that gently overhang above me. I am just enjoying the ride.

"What a day for a daydream. Custom made for a daydreamin' boy." (John Sebastian)

Isn't music a wondeful gift? It's this amazing way in which to get connected to oneself and to the sense of oneness that has always been and will forever be. And working with children in music is doubly rewarding because they are still free of so much that might inhibit them from connecting to themselves and that source in their teen years. I don't need to create an opportunity for young children to connect with music for it finds them and they start dancing and singing without any concern for how they look or perform. They are the true, organic artists. They are my role models.

May I continue floating down this river to the melody of my own child-like sense of play and wonder.

Fame, Fortune and Fear

I'm reading the new book, "The Beatles", by Bob Spitz. It's been a long time since I've read a Beatles bio (I'm a huge fan, of course) and my mom got me a copy of the book for Christmas. She also got me a copy of Paul's new CD.

I'm up to the part of their history just prior to their first recording when they fired Pete Best and hired Ringo Starr. When I was a kid, I felt badly for Pete Best. Who wouldn't? The guy was by all accounts the best looking guy in the band and McCartney was extremely jealous of him. In this particular version, the author takes pains to point out that his drumming wasn't as good as Ringo's. If that's true, he did need to be sacked. But quality and history be damned, it was still a rough move for a band that eventually became as big as The Beatles.

I felt even worse for Pete Best when I read that no one felt particularly bad about his being sacked. Here's a guy who gigged with John, Paul and George for years in Hamburg and in Liverpool, making lousy money and living in squallor. To my knowledge not one of The Beatles has ever said, "Poor Pete. He got a bum rap. Wish we could have handled it better." Did any of them think to throw Pete a few million pounds? Doubtful. That would be like saying, "I'm sorry" and they definitely were not sorry.

Truth is, The Beatles were savagely ambitious like many "successful" artists or businesspeople. They wanted nothing more than what they got - fame, fortune and lots of adoring "birds". The music was important, sure, but the main thing that motivated these middle class boys was the allure of riches and attention. And boy, did they get their wish.

I would even argue that they got much of what they wanted in part because they were ambitious to a fault. While the rest of us got a lasting legacy of wonderful music, The Beatles, themselves, received what amounted to a life of seclusion and fawning and "it'll never be as good as yer old stuff, Paul." And you know what? It ain't! Paul's new CD is pretty, well...weak.

Certainly, I'm in no postion to judge these guys. After all, they were in their early 20's and without any of the benefit of hindsight that I'm applying to their behavior and subsequent success. It's not altogether fair for me to berate them and question the decisions that they made in concert with George Martin for the betterment of their sound. Any company that keeps on its weaker employees just because they have a soft spot in their heart is well...doomed to be less successful, huh? Yeah, I think that's the hard truth.

But I'm wondering - and here's my question/concern - do Beth and I lack the necessary ambition and ruthlessness to make it in the big leagues? Are we stuck at our current level (at the top of our musical game in our early 40's) because we lack the drive to push forward with an intensity that knows no bounds? Part of me has always believed this to be true. I worry that we're too nice and not egocentric enough to break through to the top. Are we the victims of our own philosopy which is to be peaceful, to treat others with respect and love so much so that we're unwilling to see our friends in the business as competitors to be beaten? Hmmmmm.

The Beatles and many folks I know of in the business world had what some refer to as a "healthy animosity for the competition". There exists - and we all know it - a certain type of animalistic, dog-eat-dog mentality that is shared by many in this world who acheive material wealth and fame in the arts, politics or business. To me, that is scary and yet I feel that I have to face that fear in order to transcend it. I cannot let it stop us in our quest to be better, to let more kids hear us, and - yes - to acheive more fame and fortune for me and my family.

And so, I am left with this conundrum: I believe in my heart that Beth and I have been selling ourselves short for years. I believe that we're far better than our current station and deserving of much more material success. I believe that we have much more to write and say that can be beneficial to children and families if we can only get ourselves into a position of power where our voices are heard. And, yet, I look at what we have acheived - a new home, a successful mom and pop business with a great reputation in our corner of the world that feeds our family and makes a lot of kids happy. Who are we to want more? Who are we to crave the trappings of fame and fortune? Y'see I can talk myself into a corner quite well, thank you very much.

Well, we're not Lennon and McCartney. And there's no Pete Best in our band. And we're not destined for BethandScottomania. I don't even know why I worry so much about stuff like this at all sometimes. But then there's a little voice inside of me that keeps repeating, "You're scared, Scott. Don't get side-tracked and start today in a direction that leads you in the direction that you want to go. Face your fear of failure or success and forget about what anyone else thinks about your career. This is the only shot you get at life. Believe in yourself and your dreams (you wrote a song called that, remember?). Now, go for it and let the chips fall where they may. No regrets. Do it."

Okay, I've shared that with you. I've said it aloud. Now, let's see what I'm made of.

Happy, but hard, Holidays

The holidays are a busy time - some might say a crazy time. Am I the first to notice this? Per usual, we're booked solid for December performing our show, "Happy Holidays Around the World", a celebration of Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and Christmas in four different states.

It is the middle of the month (12/15) and our band of five performers has been rocked by everything from stomach flu, stress and sore voices. I'm happy to report, though, that we continue to rally on behalf of our goal to deliver great shows. The children, teachers and parents have been very complimentary and I am very proud of our band of brothers and sisters.

Today, Beth and Liz performed together because Larry - a man who NEVER cancels - was out with the flu. Katherine came off the bench and performed with me at a preschool where we had to go off-book more often than not. A triple "BRAVA" to these wonderful women! And tomorrow Larry will return after a one-day (phew!) rest to perform with Liz in Astoria as we all cross our fingers that the transit strike will not cripple our efforts. Sound like fun?

Lastly, I give thanks to my mother who has been schlepping up to Yorktown to help mind our children. Typically we leave the house at 7:00 a.m., so my mom has been wonderful in getting the kids to school every day. We couldn't do it without you, Mom!

Like many businesses, we depend upon the the holidays for a substantial part of our income, so we always have our fingers crossed that all of our plans work out. Truth is, we often have to punt or re-write the playbook while the game is happening. I won't tell you that this is enjoyable. Beth and I have spent many a December night worrying that some sort of straw that breaks the camel's back will befall our small company.

Somehow, it all works out fine, though. And just when we've had our fill of singing "I Have a Little Dreydel", the season is over and we miss seeing Liz, Larry and Katherine every day. We even miss the excitement of driving somewhere new every morning in the freezing cold and not knowing how a show will go, or if the PA equipment will work, or if a guitar string will break in the middle of a song or if the school's band will be on the stage when we get to the gig. I guess part of us must thrive living on the edge!

Classical Music

I'm wondering today about how the classical arts are introduced to children. Please read on and see if your experiences are anything like mine...

When I was a kid in elementary school, we took field trips to hear classical music concerts and see the ballet. I'm not going to lie. I was totally bored by these experiences. It's interesting how these early experiences defined my impression of music because I haven't given classical concertizing (or ballet) much positive thought in the intervening thirty years. Sure, I bought some CDs, but I generally play classical music as the background to other things. Shameless, I know, but probably pretty common.

Fast forward to last night. My friends Barbara Seisel and Keith Torgan invited us to a recital that Barbara was giving in Poughkeepsie, about an hour north of our home in Yorktown, NY. Did I jump up in down saying, "Oh, boy! A chance to reinvestigate the classical world?" No, siree. In fact. I asked the person taking our tickets how long the show was going to be. I did NOT have high expectations.

Ironically, this indifferent state is the ideal way for me to be exposed to something wonderful. I've enjoyed many plays, records or museums when I entered with a feeling of numbness or ho-hummness. Last night was no different. And while I can't say that I left the theater a converted disciple of the classical idiom, I did connect to the experience.

As I've gotten older, I have been attracted to things like quiet time, reading, meditation, yoga and journal writing. I am more reflective, less prone to the quick fix of rock 'n roll and more attracted to the vision of falling leaves or a good historical novel. It should come as no surprise, then, that I'm coming into a life passage where classical music might be more relevent to me. Perhaps I'm ready to recognize and appreciate what I've been too busy to hear. And, I think, this type of music was introduced to me too early as a child. In fact, I was turned off by the stuffiness of the concert hall! Is this true for others like me? You bet.

I know from my conversations with Barbara that she worries about the state of classical music in our culture. She is searching for ways to connect to kids. In fact, Barbara and her wonderfully talented husband, Keith, have begun to do concerts that introduce children to the classical idiom. To hear me enthusiastic about my experience via email today was probably the greatest compliment I could have given her. I hope I can help Barbara in her quest!

I know that many PTAs still insist on taking children to the ballet, opera and the symphony. Perhaps, we should all take a look at what we're taking them to see. Is Beethoven or Bach as appropriate as something more modern, edgy or visually stimulating? I encourage PTA moms to think less of what kids need (like vegetables) and more about what they might enjoy. No, I'm not suggesting junk food music. But I do know this: when I was eight years old my parents and my guitar teacher kept me interested in music by adapting to my likes and dislikes. If they had force-fed me music that did not appeal to me I would not be a musician today.

Home Concerts

Last night, Beth and I invited the neighbors over for an event we're calling "First Saturday". Every month, we're opening up our home to create an evening of singing and good times. By all accounts, this first "First Saturday" was a real hit! Our friends left with big smiles and some could even be heard singing "Kumbaya" as they paraded down the street to their home. Now, that's spreading a little joy, huh?

Although this post is a bit off-topic for "Music for Chidren", it's relevant if anyone out there is interested in hosting these types of events. I find it essential for adults to allow the child inside of them to be let out to play, don't you? Music, and folk rock music in particular, is certainly a way to help make that happen. We, all of us, have a connection to music and I'm very happy to open up our home to allow friends to express that part of themselves. Anyway, on with the story...

We were very nervous - as we always are - about bringing guests into our home. Beth and I don't throw a lot of parties, so we're kind of anxious in those couple of hours leading up to an event. I'm not kidding when I say that I felt like stopping the world for a minute to practice some deep breathing. Geez, do other people get so crazy when people are coming over to their homes? I'm sure that some of my nerves were based upon a desire to make everything work out "perfectly".

Nerves nonwithstanding, the event began and ended well. Guitars, mandolins, trombones and bass guitars were unpacked. Song sheets flowed around the room along with small percussion instruments and, yes, a glass or two of vino. We began with a song by The Band called "The Weight" and I magically felt the weight leave my shoulders as I began doing what I love best: singing, playing and being a pied piper. What fun!

It didn't take long for old friends and new ones to begin harmonizing, laughing and letting go of any inhibitions that they may have brought along with them. Every time I looked up, I saw smiles. It was fun to watch my friend Holly pick up a triangle for the perfect accent to a song, to watch Elliot switch between trombone and keyboards so effortlessly and hear Lenny keep us grounded with his bass. Next door neighbor, Bill, played and sang wonderfully on his beautiful Guild guitars and Beth, Dorit and Jen held down the women's vocal lines. Across the room, I watched Scott close his eyes to enjoy the warmth of the room while his wife Joy and friends Patty and Charles sang (or tapped along in Charles' case). A small and wonderful group, indeed, that I'm quite certain will return as the nucleus of future events.

One of the many blessings for me was the easy way in which people who had never or rarely played and sang together complimented one another so well. I return again to my thoughts of dis-ease that began the night for me and compare that with the way the evening actually played out. It's hard for me to express it in words because I feel so deeply connected to not the words, but to the feelings behind what occured here last night. I guess you just have to be there sometimes. "There" in this case meant being very present, emotinally and spiritually atuned.

To me, it's the best way to live.

What is NOT arts-in-education or the truth about "Louder, Faster, Funnier"

Soapbox time.

We just returned from a school that had recently been burned by a performer who billed his act incorrectly as arts-in-education. I'm sorry, but that does all of us a diservice. In this case, it hurt the cultrual arts representative the most because she was embarrassed in front of her children's teachers and principal. The artist in question is someone we know, so I want to be purposely vague here. Suffice it to say that most of the cultural arts rep's that we know would not come in to contact with this fellow in their search for artists. He's more of a camp performer and I rarely see him associated with schools.

BEWARE the camp performers! They are talented people who are expert in making kids laugh. We call these folks, "Louder, Faster, Funnier". Many of us kids performers have elements of LFF in our acts, but it's not usually rich enough to have a show of all funny material in the average elementary school assembly program. Yes, family nights are an exception. And most cultural arts rep's know to call for references, see the performance beforehand, etc.

I have to compliment the school's arts rep. She called me before our show and explained that she had recently presented a performer who did not go over well and asked if we could change our show in order to turn 180 degrees away from what this other performer had done (said perfomer did a supposed character education show and we were scheduled to do the same). Together, the cultural arts rep. and I settled on a different program about literacy and I am happy to report that the show went extremely well, the teachers were thrilled and the cultural arts rep's reputation has been restored.

I wish I could report that this is a first for us or the schools we've played for. It ain't! Truth is, lots of schools hire GREAT arts-in-education performers every day, BUT some of them get ambushed when they aren't careful about checking out a performer. It is a life-changing experience for a cultural arts rep. when your teachers complain and your principal looks at you like you failed him. And all of this for a non-paid position! I feel terrible for these women. They are the essence of middle managers (caught between the children, the performers, the teachers and the principal) and they get a lot of grief from all sides. It's a wonder some of them stay with the jobs!

Some don't stay, of course. We have some wonderful relationships with schools where the arts rep. has been there through three children. What a joy! This is a job that definitely gets easier as you do it more often. Plus, one usually develops trust from the administration and the teachers and a relationship with a stable of performers.

I'll get into this more at another time, but it's my opinion that arts reps booking assembly programs should have 50% of their acts be artists who they repeat year after year (or every other year) and 50% new acts. Variety and consistency have to both be served in a successful arts program. For those schools doing lots of grade-level residencies, they can have even a larger percentage of returning artists. It's also worth mentioning that because this position is a voluntary one, it should not be made too difficult. If an artist is successful (90% of the people give it a "5" on a scale of "1-5"), then by all means repeat the success. "If it ain't broke..."

This may sound like a self-serving thing to promote because I benefit from the school's that have me return regularly. This is true. However, they don't have us back ONLY because they feel warm and fuzzy about Beth and Scott. There's something we're doing every song, every performance, year after year that's working. What is that? Well, that's the essence of what arts-in-education IS and that's a subject for a later time.

Cheers!

Going Solo/Ego/Expansion

Beth, my partner and wife, has come down with laryngitis. It came upon her near the end of yesterday's Halloween show out in Bayshore, NY. None of our subs were available for today, so we had to punt and do the show in a very Scott-centered way.

The show went fine. Sure, I missed Beth's singing voice and she couldn't do much besides play the tambourine and croak in a sort of Melissa Etheridge way. But I was very pleased that the client, the kids and the parents walked away happy.

It's weird. I'm having some sort of post-show reaction. It's 11:25 p.m. I'm rarely up this late - especially given that we just set the clocks back and it should feel like it's 12:25 a.m. So what's going on with me?

I know that some of this feeling is related to letting go of ego. Lately, I've been trying to put a lid on my need for compliments and reactions to shows, songs and just about anything. As an ongoing experiment, I've been trying to limit my need to react or act based upon what others think and say. So, going solo without getting some sort of big "Hooray, Scott!" is probably a new level of challenge for my tampered ego.

I believe that we develop ego when we're young because we need it. I'm no psychologist, so forgive the digression. My view, though, is that as we grow independant from our parents we create a sense of self that's called Ego. This creature can be very useful during the tough growing years. When peer pressure is at its worst, hopefully we can turn to a sense of self that says, "I'm okay. In fact, I don't need those guys or gals to feel good." Over time, though, this ego grows as we receive compliments, awards, accomplishments, etc. It becomes especially atuned, in fact, to MORE of the same because an ego requires constant feeding, you see. It is at this juncture that I believe the ego is beginning to be more useless than useful.

Artists are not unique in their need for attention, but we certainly crave it more than most. I think that my decision to enter into the performing arts is related to a need to feel the warm glow of applause, the approval that I'm worthwhile, special and talented. Again, my ego got a lot of this as I was growing up and my ego wanted more! So, I found myself performing in college for money, gaining some notoriety on campus as an actor and a singer. It felt great, especially because I was enrolled at a school with a lot of smart people. The stage became my place to shine just as the classroom or the sports field was someone else's place to get some attention.

When I left college, I hit the local bar circuit around home as a singer guitarist. It wasn't as if I were unsuccessful - I made money and got gigs - but there was little of the ego boost that I got at a college event from my friends. After a couple of years, then, I left the music thing and went into the commercial carpet business. Yes, friends, I turned around 180 degrees and swam upstream for seven long years in the business field.

I won't bore ya'll or myself with an accounting of those years. Suffice it to say that I learned a lot about business and eventually met my wife while I was selling carpet. Like my college years, I often look at my years as a salesman as wasted ones, but I think that they were a necessary detour for me to get where I am today.

Fast forward thirteen years later to 2005 and I'm doing this kid music thing quite successfully. No, I'm not a household name you know from television or records, but I have succeeded in my field. I'm an arts-in-education professional - a respected musician and businessman and, most importantly, I enjoy doing what I do: bringing good music and drama to kids. I also get to work with Beth and some great actors. My business is growing well enough that we've been able to buy a house in Westchester, NY. Hey, not too shabby!

So, now I'm working on this ego thing. At 43 years of age, I'm looking to start trusting my own inner barometer. Why? Heck, I want to be a true artist. I want to rely not on what I think might appeal to others, but on my own truth. I'm not new to this. Many times I've written songs or made decisions based upon my own inner truth, but I want to do it in a bigger way, in ways that will expand my career to the places where I'm currently afraid to go: television, film, DVDs. In short, I want to reach more kids with my stuff, to play in the bigger arena that is national or international exposure.

As I write this, I sigh. It's very powerful for me. Truly, I have a block to overcome. I have a fear that I don't have the strength, the gumption, the drive to make this happen. All my life, I've been a big fish in a little pond. So, how am I gonna change that?

Well, getting rid of ego is one way to start. My ego is only big enough for the little pond. He can't hack it in the deeper waters of the rich, famous and super-critical. Therefore, I have to rely on something else and here's what it is: a belief that what I have to offer is great for children. I have to drive forward with the knowledge that my role in this world is to reach kids, lots of kids, with this gift that I have. To hide it, is to squander it. I need to get up every morning with the thought that the world can be a brighter place if Scott is reaching his potential.

Another sigh. I'm accustomed to hearing this voice in my head. The voice says, "Scott, forget about it. You are fine where you are and I can give you a million reasons why taking this risk is a bad idea." The voice doesn't actually have to say all that. It really comes on as a physical feeling that breathes out one word - "NO!" My brother once told me that Robert Downey, Jr. calls these voices The Shitty Committee. They are the voices in your head that belittle your ideas, your growth and try and hold you down. We all have these voices. They arrived around the same time as the ego did, huh? And like the ego, the voices need to be blown away. But first, they need to be understood.

Okay, it's time to put this to rest for now. I think I've gone and said what I needed to write in order to fall asleep.

One last thought: Beth and I are opening up our home with an event called First Saturday. Once a month, we're inviting neighbors and friends to come by and sing and play with us. I came upon a bunch of these good folk tonight and I'm both excited and nervous about having a great chorus of neighbors come over to my house. It's like - so powerful! I guess I'm overwhelemed with emotion whereas I'm usually Mr. Calm and Cool, y'know? And I think that seeing them all, having some laughs with them, made my weekend on the one hand AND it also came on the heels of this concert where I had to do most of the work. I don't know. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sure that there's a lot going on that I'm not aware of, yet.

Stay tuned!

Parents with Artistic Children

As you might guess, my children (Helen and Stephanie) are pretty musical. While neither of them is taking an instrument right now, they are always around music and the theater. Like my brother (Craig) and I, they are growing up in a home where the arts is respected and is often part of the fabric of our days.

When I was a kid, my parents had one of those big console stereos. Remember those? It was a credenza with a pop-up lid where the phonograph and the radio were hidden. The speakers were at either end of the credenza. I thought it was so cool and I loved going down to our playroom to open the lid and fiddle with the buttons. Even then, I was displaying a technological bent that would eventually serve me well as a musician/producer!

Mom and Dad loved musical theater, so our home was often full of the sounds of a Broadway show. Everyone sang along with their favorites - Fiddler on the Roof, Camelot, My Fair Lady - and, especially, The Music Man. My parents also played what was popular: Beatles, Dionne Warwick, Barbara Streisand, Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. By osmosis, then, Craig and I got a pretty good musical education that featured excellent songwriters and wonderful performers.

It was also during these years that we joined a community theater group called The Harrison Players. Since my parents met when they both were acting in summer stock productions, it was natural for them to continue their interest in drama. My dad was more of a straight actor. I remember seeing old posters and publicity photos from his acting days. He was a handsome man, rail thin and I'm sure he had no problem "taking up the stage" with his presence. My mom was and is very funny. She played the heck out of Adelaide in Guys and Dolls a couple of times. I was very proud of my parents growing up. I idolized them, so it was very painful when they divorced when I was only twelve. Up until then, we all took part in the productions. Craig and I first played newsboys in Gypsy. Good times full of happy memories. I'm sure we both learned a lot that we still apply in our careers.

So, as a parent I'm aware that my children are getting an education just by being around us. We've been taking them to our shows since they were in Beth's womb! Do they always enjoy coming to our shows? No, of course they don't. They usually moan when we say they have to accompany us. Go figure. There's a few good reasons why they don't like it: they "lose" their parents to other kids and they've heard our songs a million times. Also, we probably embarass Helen. She's eleven and you know how middle school kids are! Stephanie, who is six, will sometimes come on stage with us, but only if Helen's not around.

I'm okay with the fact that my kids don't idolize me. It would probably be unhealthy for them and I also see them as very independent artists on their own. They are constantly making up stories with their friends or drawing or making videos and presenting shows to us. In other words, they have a healthy, creative side that they express when and how they want to. I learned early on - don't force them to do the arts. One sure way to turn them off is to make them do something that should be fun. They'll arrive on their terms, not mine.

Scott

Introduction

Today, I created this blog after hearing about the blogosphere - is that spelled right? - on NPR ad infinitum. I've been writing children's music for thirteen years with my wife, Beth. Together we perform music at schools and libraries. It's a great job. We've been able to support our family, buy a house and wake up every morning with the knowledge that we actually like our job.

This blog will be a place where I can offer up opinions or start discussions about a variety of topics related to children's music, my own life or the place of the arts in our kids' lives. I welcome anyone's input and will do my best to keep the postings fresh and real.

Reality for me right now is that I have to get my oldest daughter Helen at her bus stop or I'm in the parental lockup!

Scott